Super Secret November Challenge Blog Post #11

Excusers Excusing

You guys, I don't know what happened, but I think there was a spooky Friday the 13th dog that ate...

There was a BEAR. An honest to goodness bear that crashed through our apartment complex, and he stole our laptop...

Aliens. Aliens beaming post interfering beams, even though I said, "Excuse me, but the interweb is counting on me, so can you try this again at a more convenient time? Also, I don't have any money, sir."

Clearly, the missing post from yesterday was totally beyond my control.

What is also beyond my control is my ability to focus on anything that isn't wedding related - which is unfortunate, because I have an audition coming up. It has been a long, theatre-less five months. Just enough time to have that condescending little douche, my brain, start slow clapping my life's trajectory while I stand in a corner, weeping and picking out coordinating envelopes for my wedding invitations.

The universe has seen fit to balance out the scales of my fulfillment by putting me on a big losing streak, career wise, as I have gotten closer and closer to W-Day. The universe can suck it. It really would not have hurt anyone to have had some mild satisfaction in my professional life to accompany the excitement in my personal one. But no, no, no. Universe, you are one cruel tart.

I understand that when you are an actor, you really are at the mercy of the elements. What kind of day are you having? What kind of day is the director having? Are you auditioning for someone who has a taste for short actresses with a broad sense of comedy, and a sometimes overly understated sense of drama? Are you bloated today? Are you? What did you eat yesterday? What did you eat that for? Really, where do you get off, you talentless trixie?

I feel shame to admit this, but my auditioning capabilities almost always correlate to where I am personally. If I am focused and on a confidence roll, then every thing is gravy, baby. Otherwise, I go into auditions acting as though I've had a minor stroke.

And not that I'm saying that I actually have had a stroke, but I have been experiencing numbness in my right arm and leg occasionally, and once, in my face. I am 99.9 percent sure this is stress induced. I can be the world's biggest self sabotaging actress if the conditions are right. It is instinct. The moment things start getting a tad overwhelming, my body goes down into shut down mode. Or, hibernation.

Yeah, hibernation. My talent and confidence holes up and will only tentatively stick it's head out next season. What can you do, other than stick to your training, your compromised instincts, and hope you can work through self doubt.

So, we are looking at a long month, hopefully free of any more professional disappointment. Thank god there is honeymoon in London at the end of the tunnel.

Friends, this short post was brought to you from my cell phone.