A prayer that's awesome for everyone . And I mean EVERYONE.

I found this on free will astrology. I loves it. I loves it a lot, and I love it for you, and you and YOU. Just take a minute to read it. You should feel better.

Prayer for You

I'm happy to announce that this is a perfect moment. It's a perfect moment for many reasons, but especially because I have been inspired to say a gigantic prayer for all of you. I've been roused to unleash a divinely greedy, apocalyptically healing prayer for each and every one of you -- even those of you who don't believe in the power of prayer.

And so I am starting to pray right now to the God of Gods ... the God beyond all Gods ... the Girlfriend of God ... the Teacher of God ... the Goddess who invented God.

Dear Goddess, You who never kill but only change:

I pray that my exuberant, suave and accidental words will move you to shower ferocious blessings down on everyone who reads this benediction.

I pray that you will give them what they don't even know they want -- not just the boons they think they need but everything they've always been afraid to even imagine or ask for.

Dear Goddess, You wealthy anarchist burning heaven to the ground:

Many of the divine chameleons out there don't even know that their souls will live forever. So please use your blinding magic to help them see that they are all wildly creative geniuses too big for their own personalities.

Guide them to realize that they are all completely different from what they think they are and more exciting than they can possibly imagine.

Make it illegal, immoral, irrelevant, unpatriotic and totally tasteless for them to be in love with anyone or anything that's no good for them.

O Goddess, You who give us so much love and pain mixed together that our morality is always on the verge of collapsing:

I beg you to cast a boisterous love spell that will nullify all the dumb ideas, bad decisions and nasty conditioning that have ever cursed the wise and sexy virtuosos out there.

Remove, banish, annihilate and laugh into oblivion any jinx that has clung to them, no matter how long they've suffered from it, and even if they've become accustomed or addicted to its ugly companionship.

And please conjure an aura of protection around them so that they will receive an early warning if they are ever about to act in such a way as to bring another hex or plague or voodoo into their lives in the future.

Dear Goddess, sweet Goddess, You sly universal virus with no fucking opinion:

I pray that you will help all the personal growth addicts out there become disciplined enough to go crazy in the name of creation, not destruction.

I pray that you will teach them the difference between oppressive self-control and liberating self-control, awaken in them the power to do the half-right thing when it is impossible to do the totally right thing.

Arouse the Wild Woman within them -- even if they're men.

And please give them bigger, better, more original sins and wilder, wetter, more interesting problems.

Dear Goddess, You pregnant slut who scorns all mediocre longing:

I pray that you will inspire all the compassionate rascals communing with this prayer to love their enemies just in case their friends turn out to be jerks.

Provoke them to throw away or give away all the things they own that encourage them to believe that they are better than anyone else.

Show them how much fun it is to brag about what they cannot do and do not have.

Most of all, Goddess, brainwash them with your freedom so that they never love their own pain more than anyone else's pain.

Dear Goddess, You psychedelic mushroom cloud at the center of all our brains:

The curiously divine human beings reading this prayer deserve everything they are yearning for and much, much more.

So please bless them with lucid dreams while they are wide awake and solar-energy-operated sex toys that work even in the dark and vacuum cleaners for their magic carpets and a knack for avoiding other people's hells and their very own 900 number so that everyone has to pay to talk to them and a secret admirer who is not a psychotic stalker.

Dear Goddess, You fiercely tender, hauntingly reassuring, orgiastically sacred feeling that is even now running through all of our soft, warm animal bodies:

I pray that you provide everyone out there with a license to bend and even break all rules, laws and traditions that keep them apart from the things they love.

Show them how to purge the wishy-washy wishes that distract them from their daring, dramatic, divine desires.

And teach them that they can have anything they want if they'll only ask for it in an unselfish way.

And now dear God of Gods, God beyond all Gods, Girlfriend of God, Teacher of God, Goddess who invented God, I bring this prayer to a close, trusting that in these mysterious moments you have begun to change everyone out there in the exact way they've needed to change in order to express their soul's code.

Amen. Awomen. And glory halle-fucking-lujah.

Get your bad ass horoscope for giggles and stuff.

I'll tell you tomorrow

And all that i want
And all that i need
And all that i've got
Is scattered like seed
And all that i knew
Is moving away from me
And all that i know
Is blowing like tumbleweed
Joanna Newsom

There are several things in this life I cannot control. I mean, things about myself. Thing numero uno : The licentious thoughts that come to mind whenever I think about Steven Colbert, Jon Stewart, Conan O'Brian, Jason Schwartzman, and Jeffrey Tambor. Okay, one of those might not be true.
The second thing is definitely my emotions - that is to say, they're gonna come out, I just don't know how. But usually they'll be masked in a delightful joke that no one will get anyway.
The third thing is my body's reaction to broccoli soup. Ugh. I think the love affair is over. My tummy...
I think that truly I just am having trouble releasing control. Or the need to believe that I could have control. These past few weeks have been a harsh reminder that none of us truly have any power, and its only idiots who believe for one second that they are truly in control. There's just no earthly way of knowing which direction we are going... you know?...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Zail7Gdqro



That is to say, I'm pretty sure I'm fucked and scraping the surface, but don't judge too harshly, as it could and probably will be you someday. Those of us who get back up will be all the more bad ass for it.

Blue Birds

I might as well come out and say it. I, Jessica Carol Clark, will never be as amazing as my brother, James Collin Clark. And neither will anyone else, I'm afraid.
Hands down, he is the most genuine, loving individual you've ever had the privilege to meet (if you've had the privilege of meeting him). I know that as a result of the autism, his mind doesn't allow for the normal, everyday complications we tie to our understanding of people... aka, our bullshit reasons for treating others how we deem them worthy of being treated. That being said, I've thought for some time that his "disability" was actually in many ways a blessing. An ability to see people in simplest terms - as individuals that should be loved and accepted. I've tried my best to emulate that quality, to try not to judge others and let them be who they are, but I have to say, some people just make it almost damn near impossible. But I still try.
Collin just finished school and has graduated for good. As it is, people with special needs are allowed to attend high school until 21, which Collin has done for vocational purposes, and then they are to go forward to live and work in society. I wonder what goes on in his head, because I don't know if he has dreams for his future. His happiness seems to come from just being around others, again, another amazing quality. Here is someone who should feel angry that his life would be considered to be "wasted" by normal standards, but he doesn't see it that way. He's going to be happy as long as he's close to his family and friends. He's the only person I know who truly means it every time he smiles at you. He is not materialistic in the least and doesn't see success they way we do.
Jesus, I swear, if everyone tried to be like Collin just a LITTLE, they would find more light in their lives. He just has this clear, untainted view of humanity and existence, and I am truly envious of it.
In an effort to try to be more like him, I started a project a few nights ago where I made a list of everyone who has come into my life and stuck around for a bit, and then wrote down just ONE reason why I love them... Nothing special, or really deep. Like my mom's reason was the time she woke me up laughing because at some point in the evening I had gotten up to make myself a bowl of cereal and then put the box in the fridge and the milk carton in the pantry. Anyone else would have been mad that I spoiled a whole carton of milk, but not her.
Anyway, I am doing this for everyone. It helps pass the time, since I'm not sleeping anyway, and its certainly better than going through almost whole bottles of wine and being mopey.
I miss my brother. He's the only person who is happy to see me every single time he sees me. Dammit, he's awesome.
I've been reminded of a quote from one of my favorite books/movies, "The Little Prince" by a certain friend, I believe it definitely applies here.

"It is only with the heart one can see clearly. What is essential, is invisible to the eye".

Bewitched, Bothered

and bewildered? Yeahhh.... Once again, I find I've entered into a period of insomnia. I read, I lay in silence, I turn on the tv.... nothing. My brain just keeps going and fixating on things I will never figure out or be able to put to rest. Here it is, almost 6am and I'm still awake! How do people manage to put their thoughts to rest?
Do you know what I think face book and myspace and all these networking forums need? They need an app that translates cryptic statuses and what not. Although I'm totally guilty of posting such bullshit myself, it usually doesn't run so deep - mostly its just movie references or Simpsons quotes. It is exhausting trying to figure that mess out. And why? Its just one of the many things that keep me up at night, and for no good reason.
In one attempt to lull myself to sleep, I put on an old home movie and was horrified to hear my strong southern accent (which my mother soon knocked out of me) at age eight. I was giving my parents a tour of the zoo.
"Hay, it's me ag'in. Jissica Clarrrk, you knoaw? These ahre the se-yals. And they eat a loht. Lahke fi-yish? And squad? I mean... I mean Squ-yid". Oy. That would keep anyone up.
Help.

Blogtazmagorium!

HOLY. MOLY. Do you remember a little thing called livejournal? I went back and reviewed my old account there and found posts from a little over a year ago. It sort of blew my mind to see exactly what state I was in at that time. I don't think I want to go back. Just to give you an idea, I copied and pasted that mess (well, two entries) up in here for your viewing pleasure.... or extreme discomfort. I find the second entry quite comforting, actually.
blue (dated Feb 11,2008)
have you ever spent so much time crying that all you can do is laugh? the past few weeks have been horrible. i mean it. rotten. i had a fairly good day on saturday when i went to the unifieds in madison. it really sucks how incredibly lonely it is up here in milwaukee, but no matter how down i've been, i usually can remain optimistic and i am able to look forward to upcoming opportunities. well fuck that. you know those times in your life when every single plan you have falls through? when you spend most of your time hitting a brick wall rather than moving on? i know i shouldn't be, but i'm ashamed of being depressed by it all. so i figured i needed to be open and say that i've kind of had it. i'm ready for the miracle. i can pretty easily say: 2008, so far you have been a real heartless little hosebag. you need to let me get on with my life. and if you're feeling generous, send a hug my way. i can't travel over 100 miles everytime i need someone to put their arms around me and say that i'm not such a failureface.
so here's the point i'm getting to. i'm looking for things to laugh about, to feel good about.

be kind, live on your own terms and always take your medication (dated Feb 29, 2008)
I found an old children's book given to me a few years ago by a girl that I didn't really care for. All she did was frustrate me. She grew up in Kenya with her parents who were missionaries, and she was studying to become a pediatrician. I took five minutes to read the entire book, including the inscription from her at the beginning " Dear Jessica, This book made me think of a conversation you, Maggie and I had. I think of this book now whenever I think of you (as well as some other good things)." Of course, its a christian themed fairytale with the message that it is not up to others to evaluate you, because you were created intentionally, without any mistakes...and to always remember that you are special regardless of what others think.
Okay, I'm a douchebag. I mean, this girl was alright. I just thought that maybe she was a demon in disguise because she was slow and overly cheery and made me work twice as hard to make up for the time she wasted looking out of windows and singing instead of doing her job. But all in all, she was a very nice girl. I think we've all known people, where there is really no good reason to dislike them, but you can't help it.
I know now that I allowed my personal frustration determine how I treated this chick half of the time, which was never downright mean - but certainly was not as nice as I should have been.
I do want to be nice to everyone, even the people who get on my last nerve... because it really isn't my place to judge a person's worth. If I expect people to accept me living on my own terms, then I should really be more accepting of others.
It just makes sense.
It also makes sense that I'm not going to let my little cynic make the last judgment on things. Oh for sure, I think you should always acknowledge him and respect his opinion, because a lot of times he keeps you grounded and reminds you to use your common sense, but if I'm going to live without fear of doing the wrong thing, then I need to make sure that he knows his place.
I just want to have balance in my life. Good, bad, stupid, smart, pretty, ugly, wrong, right, light, dark... I want all of that. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly apologizing. I want to feel worthy of all of these things. And I think the way to do that is to realize that everyone is worthy, everyone is deserving.
Its okay to look "ridiculous". What is that anyway? There's no way to play it safe. Not at all. There will always be someone who looks at you and judges.
My thing is...that's okay. My life is what its supposed to be. And it always will be, no matter what decisions I make. Things aren't going to become alright as soon I drop those last ten pounds or pay off my debt or even when I have health insurance through the union. If I'm constantly waiting for that last thing to fall into place before I'm happy with myself, then I will do nothing but beat myself down....
I realize this sound like some crazy cult mantra "love yourself, you are worthy, burn down town hall". No no. I mean it all. I'm trying to keep moving, to not let myself get stuck in a funk, and I think that comes with making peace with the person I am today, not the person I will become.
I'm a pretty peaceful girl. My demands aren't that great. I just want art in my life. I just want to act and love my family and friends and to always keep my mind and my heart open.

Wow.