HOLY. MOLY. Do you remember a little thing called livejournal? I went back and reviewed my old account there and found posts from a little over a year ago. It sort of blew my mind to see exactly what state I was in at that time. I don't think I want to go back. Just to give you an idea, I copied and pasted that mess (well, two entries) up in here for your viewing pleasure.... or extreme discomfort. I find the second entry quite comforting, actually.
blue (dated Feb 11,2008)
have you ever spent so much time crying that all you can do is laugh? the past few weeks have been horrible. i mean it. rotten. i had a fairly good day on saturday when i went to the unifieds in madison. it really sucks how incredibly lonely it is up here in milwaukee, but no matter how down i've been, i usually can remain optimistic and i am able to look forward to upcoming opportunities. well fuck that. you know those times in your life when every single plan you have falls through? when you spend most of your time hitting a brick wall rather than moving on? i know i shouldn't be, but i'm ashamed of being depressed by it all. so i figured i needed to be open and say that i've kind of had it. i'm ready for the miracle. i can pretty easily say: 2008, so far you have been a real heartless little hosebag. you need to let me get on with my life. and if you're feeling generous, send a hug my way. i can't travel over 100 miles everytime i need someone to put their arms around me and say that i'm not such a failureface.
so here's the point i'm getting to. i'm looking for things to laugh about, to feel good about.
be kind, live on your own terms and always take your medication (dated Feb 29, 2008)
I found an old children's book given to me a few years ago by a girl that I didn't really care for. All she did was frustrate me. She grew up in Kenya with her parents who were missionaries, and she was studying to become a pediatrician. I took five minutes to read the entire book, including the inscription from her at the beginning " Dear Jessica, This book made me think of a conversation you, Maggie and I had. I think of this book now whenever I think of you (as well as some other good things)." Of course, its a christian themed fairytale with the message that it is not up to others to evaluate you, because you were created intentionally, without any mistakes...and to always remember that you are special regardless of what others think.
Okay, I'm a douchebag. I mean, this girl was alright. I just thought that maybe she was a demon in disguise because she was slow and overly cheery and made me work twice as hard to make up for the time she wasted looking out of windows and singing instead of doing her job. But all in all, she was a very nice girl. I think we've all known people, where there is really no good reason to dislike them, but you can't help it.
I know now that I allowed my personal frustration determine how I treated this chick half of the time, which was never downright mean - but certainly was not as nice as I should have been.
I do want to be nice to everyone, even the people who get on my last nerve... because it really isn't my place to judge a person's worth. If I expect people to accept me living on my own terms, then I should really be more accepting of others.
It just makes sense.
It also makes sense that I'm not going to let my little cynic make the last judgment on things. Oh for sure, I think you should always acknowledge him and respect his opinion, because a lot of times he keeps you grounded and reminds you to use your common sense, but if I'm going to live without fear of doing the wrong thing, then I need to make sure that he knows his place.
I just want to have balance in my life. Good, bad, stupid, smart, pretty, ugly, wrong, right, light, dark... I want all of that. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly apologizing. I want to feel worthy of all of these things. And I think the way to do that is to realize that everyone is worthy, everyone is deserving.
Its okay to look "ridiculous". What is that anyway? There's no way to play it safe. Not at all. There will always be someone who looks at you and judges.
My thing is...that's okay. My life is what its supposed to be. And it always will be, no matter what decisions I make. Things aren't going to become alright as soon I drop those last ten pounds or pay off my debt or even when I have health insurance through the union. If I'm constantly waiting for that last thing to fall into place before I'm happy with myself, then I will do nothing but beat myself down....
I realize this sound like some crazy cult mantra "love yourself, you are worthy, burn down town hall". No no. I mean it all. I'm trying to keep moving, to not let myself get stuck in a funk, and I think that comes with making peace with the person I am today, not the person I will become.
I'm a pretty peaceful girl. My demands aren't that great. I just want art in my life. I just want to act and love my family and friends and to always keep my mind and my heart open.