I might as well come out and say it. I, Jessica Carol Clark, will never be as amazing as my brother, James Collin Clark. And neither will anyone else, I'm afraid.
Hands down, he is the most genuine, loving individual you've ever had the privilege to meet (if you've had the privilege of meeting him). I know that as a result of the autism, his mind doesn't allow for the normal, everyday complications we tie to our understanding of people... aka, our bullshit reasons for treating others how we deem them worthy of being treated. That being said, I've thought for some time that his "disability" was actually in many ways a blessing. An ability to see people in simplest terms - as individuals that should be loved and accepted. I've tried my best to emulate that quality, to try not to judge others and let them be who they are, but I have to say, some people just make it almost damn near impossible. But I still try.
Collin just finished school and has graduated for good. As it is, people with special needs are allowed to attend high school until 21, which Collin has done for vocational purposes, and then they are to go forward to live and work in society. I wonder what goes on in his head, because I don't know if he has dreams for his future. His happiness seems to come from just being around others, again, another amazing quality. Here is someone who should feel angry that his life would be considered to be "wasted" by normal standards, but he doesn't see it that way. He's going to be happy as long as he's close to his family and friends. He's the only person I know who truly means it every time he smiles at you. He is not materialistic in the least and doesn't see success they way we do.
Jesus, I swear, if everyone tried to be like Collin just a LITTLE, they would find more light in their lives. He just has this clear, untainted view of humanity and existence, and I am truly envious of it.
In an effort to try to be more like him, I started a project a few nights ago where I made a list of everyone who has come into my life and stuck around for a bit, and then wrote down just ONE reason why I love them... Nothing special, or really deep. Like my mom's reason was the time she woke me up laughing because at some point in the evening I had gotten up to make myself a bowl of cereal and then put the box in the fridge and the milk carton in the pantry. Anyone else would have been mad that I spoiled a whole carton of milk, but not her.
Anyway, I am doing this for everyone. It helps pass the time, since I'm not sleeping anyway, and its certainly better than going through almost whole bottles of wine and being mopey.
I miss my brother. He's the only person who is happy to see me every single time he sees me. Dammit, he's awesome.
I've been reminded of a quote from one of my favorite books/movies, "The Little Prince" by a certain friend, I believe it definitely applies here.
"It is only with the heart one can see clearly. What is essential, is invisible to the eye".