13 Hours Make All The Difference

I had a dream that I bought donuts on my way back from Alabama on Friday, and I spent a good portion of the morning searching for them. Delirium... oh, definitely. It'll take me a few days to get back on schedule. But here's what I've discovered as a result of my little road trip.

A. Wisconsin is beautiful as you're leaving it.




B. Illinois and Indiana suck. I don't know where they get off having toll booths. I do not feel that my $2.50 enhanced my personal experience with their highways.

C. Driving back is mysteriously easier until you're home - exhausted, dreading work, and thinking about what you left behind.



Ooh, girl! What that picture doesn't tell you is that, even though it was 4am and I was beyond tired, I went inside to unpack and proceeded to clean my room for an hour.

And, last but not least,

D. You can drive from Birmingham to Nashville with the parking brake on.

(Okay,okay - D. Life is better when you go for it. Is that better?)

This is Heavy

I went back and viewed my old blogs on myspace and found this little mini-bio from over two years ago. I'm amazed at how much of this is still true, although all these things seem different to me these days.

"I love people. All kinds. If you are passionate and true, then I'm yours. I love learning about new things. Three things are very important to me: friends, family, theatre- if you don't get that, then get out. But usually most people can relate to one of the three. I am not cool. I spend way too much time alone, so I have on more than one occasion caught myself singing to the cat like carol channing. I have a little brother who is autistic and he happens to be the coolest person I know. You would agree if you met him. I grew up in the theatre and I have a thousand stories. Stage mothers used to hate me when I took parts away from their little girls, and to this day I am still a little afraid of all stage moms. They are intense. I am moving to Chicago in July to persue acting, I love all nighters, but boy it is hard to pull off one nowadays. I am very proud of my Irish blood. I want a tattoo- but I am terrified. I like having a part of me that is grounded- it doesn't get me anywhere to be always out there. I am cheesy, and I'm not apologizing. If I am cruel, it is usually to hide something- but I am pretty open. I hate lying and liars. I hate pretentious people more than anything. I am quite sentimental, but not sensitive. I rarely cry, but I am easily moved by music,movies, theatre and nature. I've never had a "real" boyfriend. I cannot spell. I am terribly awkward, but I can be fierce. My drunk name is "Nawanda Lovecanbuildabridge". I have far too many nicknames. There's a part of me that will always a little overdramatic and out of control, but for the past couple of years I have been pretty calm. I have made several mistakes, and I have learned a great deal. Sometimes, you have to put your own life on hold to care for the people you love. I have a lot of pictures, a lot of tales, a lot of awards, and a lot of junk. I believe art has the power to change people and it really shouldn't be the playground of the selfish, or the insecure. I am always broke. I used to play the piano until we had to sell it. I quit smoking, but I will indulge every now and then. My friends are so important to me, and I thank them for their patience- I am never on time. I usually show up at a party 4-6 hours late. I have 4 friends that I can really count on and I think that is incredible. I've met a lot of people, I've gone through a lot of "best friends", but no one is dispensible. Boogers and poo gross me out. I can deal with vomit, unless it is animal vomit. Ninjas hate pirates. I love space and part of me secretly wants to be an astronaut. If I can't be an actress, I seriously think I would be a paranormal investagator. My cousin taught me how to do the electric slide in our basement. I know how check your blood pressure, your pulse, your urine, and I could draw your blood. Tell me stories, I love to listen. I love: getting lost and trying to find my way back, mix cds and back massages, history and science- although I'll admit I'm pretty ignorant about most of it, shakespeare, movies, comedy, music, musicals with meaning, food, giving people presents, laughing, bad jokes, reading, ghosts and ghosthunting, sandwiches, mst3k and the simpsons, traveling, singing, teaching, birmingham, walking, hideaways, being loud, being quiet, being friendly, kareoke, driving, driving with the windows down, snow, scarves, summer nights, showers, getting dirty, smiling, dancing without style, blood and guts, hugging, the zoo, holidays, and soda."

The Alive Place

Who is freaked out by the xbox commercials? Me. I'm sorry, I prefer the back of my own head to an open air concert/theme park. So, I prefer honesty to dishonesty, yes? I prefer people who are aggressive and tactful, rather than passive aggressive and vague. And normally, I prefer things that are broken, like yours truly, to things that are whole... But lately I have an undeniable attraction to wholeness. And it is very very unnerving... unsettling. So how does someone with anxiety issues learn how to not let her own fear control her? I'm not sure! But the always amazing Forsythe said to me last night that I should find the edge. The edge between pleasure and pain; between risk and safety. That I can't be all risk or all safety. Just trust that I feel good where I am and that I'm facing what I'm facing.
This is why the girl is genius. Okay, she's actually a genius for more valid reasons then being smarter than her best friend. But basically it all comes down to what I keep telling myself to do, which is to live in the moment. Live on the fucking edge! As Forsythe called it, the sometimes ambiguos sometimes contradictory territory... which challenges you, makes you grow, the alive place.
Okay, so that's where I'm going. I can't go to the future or the past right now, but I can always go to the alive place. Or, as Mr Roger Miller put it....

Yes, We Should

Tomorrow is probably the most important election in history. Yikes! Now, I understand being politically apathetic. Until recently, I have remained relatively uninterested in politics. Big secret? I didn't vote in 2004.
I know, I know. But this time around, everything is different. I cannot think of anyone whose life has not been affected in some way by the lousy choices made over the past eight years in DC. I saw men and women without health insurance turned away at the doctors office where I used to work (my own mother included!), I've seen my brother and cousins dragged into social security offices year after year to "prove" their disabilities, I've seen friends and family treated like second class citizens for simply being themselves - which doesn't fit in with the upper middle class white conservative status quot... the list goes on and on. And if I am going to bitch about the ways things are, then why the hell can't I take just a small stand and vote? I am so sick of hearing the excuse that "my vote wouldn't count anyway". Well, you pussy, would you rather stand on the sidelines and whine, or do you want to go down fighting?? And should positive change come about, don't you want to proudly state, "I was a part of that!"?? Even in some small way... I know I am being a little belligerent , and I'll admit I've had a couple glasses of wine, but that doesn't change the fact that I would rather be loud and passionate over something that affects my life, then be silent and cold.
Get your ass out there and vote tomorrow. You have a voice. And even if you're the only one who hears it, you still should speak the fuck up.

All that ranting aside, some lame-o journal entries from 2 weeks ago: