Jessica Vs The Man

Be prepared to have your mind blown and your faith in the system restored.

I love chili day at work. Almost as much as I love waffle morning (how I have lost 13 pounds since October, I have no clue). I do wish that the cafeteria offered a vegetarian substitute, but I'm willing to let my love of combining red sauce, cheese and crackers override my desire to avoid red meat.
Side note: Vegetarian am I not. I just banned the pork and eat very little of the rest of the animals.
My process is this: 2 scoops chili, then head to the salad bar for a scoop of cheese and handful o' crackers and check out! Moving two feet to the right to get my mixins is no inconvenience. However, I seem to be the only person who has figured out that you can, you CAN, mix the soup and salad bar. Or so I thought. Last week I got a rather sharp look from one of the cafeteria workers as I bent over the bowl of cheese. What? What??? Chili is better with cheese, everyone knows this! Still, I felt shamed for integrating the two bars, and my cup o' divinity was a little less divine that afternoon.
Jump ahead to this past Thursday; I wander down to the lunchroom and make two discoveries: one- It's chili day. Yes. two- There is a giant bowl of cheese right smack dab in the middle of the soup bar.
Not only that, but it appears that as a result, chili has never been more popular! Jessica wins! If you only have the courage to go against the grain, to think outside the box, the system will eventually change to work in your favor and not only that, but everyone will be happier! Oh say can I see rocket red chili beans and majestic cheddar cheese, hand in hand? Yes I can.

Whistling Dixie

Yesterday I clocked out of work, got on the elevator and was greeted by an older gentleman who took one look at me and announced - "You are such a sad lookin' little lady!". I tried to wrap my head around this, wondering if he had just correctly picked up on some super truth sprouting from my aura, or whether he was remarking on the fact that I probably resembled death after a long work day, what with my hair wadded up on top of my head and a giant hand print on the side of my face from where I had been propping myself up on my desk. As he looked at me expectantly, I realized he wanted an explanation, which I couldn't fathom giving in the four seconds we had before the doors opened and we were released into the lobby. So I just gave a half hearted chuckle and stared at the numbers lighting up as we moved down.
Four seconds! How could anyone possibly sum up all their troubles in four seconds? Oh hell, I'll give it a shot.
man: You are such a sad lookin' little lady!
me: Well sir, I've been waiting a long time to be happy.
Bam! Two seconds! Shit! What a depressing thing to say!
This is perhaps a mighty discovery. One that should encourage me to make my own happiness; a "happiness cocktail"(outside of having an actual cocktail named Happiness, which I will totally partake in if discovered). It seems downright impossible to not let those nasty life garnishes get in the way, but if I figure this out, I will be delighted to share the secret with the general public.
Moving on- I have been listening to more Gainsbourg than I care to admit. I tried to ignore her, simply because I would always imagine David Wain leaning over a cd player with her album in hand, murmuring, "How about a little... fuck music?". I mean, lets be honest. She has some tunes made for snuggling, if you will. It feels a little contrived. That being said, she's taken over my itunes. You win this round, Charlotte!
I am thoroughly excited about starting rehearsals in a few months. It may be a major ingredient in the aforementioned cocktail. Of course, after the run, I have to figure out where I am going to live, simply because I can't bear the thought of renewing my lease another year. I love Birmingham; it is one of my many homes - but it is definitely time to gypsy my way on out of here. There is a place I have my heart set on, but... well, "but" is a nasty garnish . It's the safety drink- the appletini of excuses! One that makes you continue to wait for happiness, right?
By the way, it appears that I have mouse problem. While Dobby is delighted, I am horrified. I need a humane way of getting rid of these little guys. Dobby has caught four in the past month. Four! They are cute and all, but they spend more time showing up half dead in corners, instead of helping out with chores, or staring out the window, singing at the moon. Take it to the street, mice! Take it to the street.

1. Liberty is a lady

We've all learned a lot over the last century and in the early stages of this new one. Here are some things I'm hoping have become clear by now.

2. Diet menus at the drive thru are a sham. Any place that grows it's own meat in a dingy warehouse isn't concerning itself with your cankles.
3. Neck bangs are, and have always been, tacky. I'll slap you silly if I spot them on your person.
4. Having a touch screen map of the middle east and waving your pen around furiously does not make you a reporter of news. It. Does. Not.
5. Any guy who doesn't believe in chivalry isn't pro-feminism, he's just damn lazy and probably doesn't notice women outside of their measurements. Yes, I can open my own door - but the skinny tramp with no home and no education that hangs out in front of the gas station at the end of my street shouldn't have more manners/consideration than you do. Shameful.
6. Church. State. Two separate things.
7. Michael Bay is a cockbag. Boom boom.
8. Every time you belittle a person's race/gender/beliefs/orientation, you're only making them more amazing for enduring your ignorant bullshit.
9. Sex and the City = Yuck. A show that celebrated being materialistic and obsessed with men? Ewww. If you want a lady show, try Golden Girls!


And the one thing I'm hoping will become clear in the next decade is ....

1. iphones are ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as blogs. I mean, lets face it, that combined with Twitter encourages ADD, self involvement, and anti-social traits.
But I still waaaaant one... an app where you can pop bubble wrap? Awesome!

My Anti Resolutions

1. I will never, ever again drink a diet anything for as long as I live. If I want a coke ( and I always do ) I am getting one. The real thing.
2. A glass of red wine a day keeps the doctor away, or something like that. That's a rule I can stick to.
3. Jogging? You can take that and shove it all the way up your pee hole. I walk to work and the store don't I? And I dance around in my apartment PLENTY. I will be no one's jogging partner.
4. Once upon a time, somewhere in the late spring I believe, it was said, "You've got a butt that doesn't quit!". So maybe this was less a compliment and more so another way of saying, "You sure gotta fat ass!"- but I choose to take it positively. Not only that- but even if I DO get down to my goal weight, I will make sure there is always junk in the trunk. I mean, there are more songs about fat asses than flat asses.
5. There are a lot of things I may do this year, and I may or may not fill you in on my motives. We'll see how I feel. But I refuse to feel obligated to justify myself to people who don't really give two darns and quarter about me any longer. I will be unpredictable this year!
6. I will spend as much time at Target as I please. And I will get excited about the discount dvds. '9 to 5' for five bucks? Holy moly!
7. Pizza night at least once a month. Yummmmmm.
8. If I need something from the corner store, I refuse to put on make up and real shoes. I'll go in my sweats and rain boots, and I don't care who sees me!
9. From now on if anyone tries to offer me financial or professional advice, unsolicited, they're getting a punch in the face.
10. I will not blog my normal resolutions. I really don't need them hanging over my head all year.