Are you there God? It's me, Clarkbar.

At this point, I'm not sure what to think or what to believe. As I am truly at a loss for words, I can only say now my plan is to
A. watch as much Simpsons as possible. It always seems to bring clarity to even the foggiest of situations.
B. continue moving forward
C. tell all my friends right now that I love you and I appreciate you more than you know
D. I don't know
At least I can say that I tried. But it's going to be really hard not to put that wall back up. Nothing makes much sense right now. I'm praying for strength and to not let bitterness overtake me. I guess I just never took loss very well and that was why I kept everyone other than my small group of friends at bay for so many years.
But hey, the positive part is that I've lost 7 lbs in the past two weeks. And I went red.

Words of Wisdom:

Okay, this is what I've gotten from Marge Simpson so far. "Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down past your knees until you're almost rocking on them- and then, you'll fit in! And you'll be invited to parties and boys will like you and happiness will follow." Wait a second... I mean, I'm a woman and all, but that's horrible advice! Nuts to you, Simpsons!

From my mom, who actually sent this to me in a card a week ago (on a completely unrelated matter), " Life will be better. It is around the corner, Jessica, waiting for you to embrace it."

And finally from Forsythe, "what a shit sucking jesus fucking son of a fuck."
Which, while it might not be entirely true, it still made me laugh, and it feels good rolling off my tongue.

Oh, I almost forgot!
E. Never stop telling fear to suck it. Suck it hard, fear.

Lemonade

My Dove chocolate advised me to "Forget the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey instead!". And then it tried to confuse me by tasting so sweet in my mouth. Okay, Dove, okay. But my journey isn't all delicious chocolate and accepting bits on wisdom written on tinfoil. Believe me, I wish it were! I've got nothing but lemons, but no sugar!
Lemon: Finances are a major, if not the biggest, headache.
Lemon: Cold weather- my limbs are frozen!
Lemon: Try as I might, I can't help but feel played. Actions speak louder than words.
Lemon: My impatient pants are suffocating me!
Lemon: Dad pointed it out- my self image is in shambles.
Lemon: Distance
Lemon: Time
Lemon: Depression and anxiety
Note on that, I always hate to admitting to that specifically- as if I'm ashamed of my own humanity. But it shouldn't be so shameful, or such a huge secret - many kids suffer from depression and anxiety. It doesn't mean I walk around with tears tattooed on my cheeks or that I'm going emo or anything. Never, I swear!

So in spite of all this (and the lemons that we won't mention), I am trying to stay focused. Focused on making this a positive year and a turning point. There are several things to be excited about- number one....
OBAMA OH MAMA! I am thrilled, I tells ya, thrilled! What a joyful time, to feel an overwhelming feeling of hope, not just me, but the majority of people in the country! Such positive vibes have got to create positive actions!
I also am excited about several films, music, etc. I look forward to having extra cash so I can get myself to the theatre and once more feel a part of that community of people supporting art.
And I do have a plan. It is just figuring out how I will execute that first big step.
If I see it, it will be easier to believe it.



I'm sick of talking and I'm ready to start seeing.

Be as tall as the trees

When everyone seems to be in a transitional phase in their life, there seems to be fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being good enough... We aren't so much afraid of change, as we are afraid of ourselves. I know its a little cheesy and sort of obvious, but the best way to conquer change is by being the best you you can be. I think about all the wonderful people in my life, and how they are all so different and beautiful... I just hope that we can be brave enough to be ourselves and realize how wonderful that is!

I'll Turn Around And Spit Ginger

We're faced with a dilemma. A hair dilemma. This time last year I decided to take my hair from this:


to this:



and then eventually back to my natural color. (Please refer back to profile picture)

And now.... nooooooowwww I want Red. Again.
I've broken it down into a list of positives and negatives for going back to red.

Negatives:
*red heads are typically identified with bad temper, starvation
*rumored to have a higher chance of bruising
*in the middle ages, red hair + green eyes (check) = WITCH!
*lindsay lohan
*main character in The Fountainhead has red hair, a character who "lives for himself and his own creativity, indifferent to others" or as i would put it, a self absorbed douchebag
*red heads used to be thought to have beastly sexual desires (perhaps a positive...)

Positives:
* I'm not a natural red head so that discounts a number of my negatives!
*Queen Elizabeth the 1st = Red
*Botticelli's Birth of Venus... Venus= Red
*THE WEASLEY'S (of Harry Potter fame)= RED
*Tom Robbins says red heads are "children of the moon; obsessed with Sex and Sugar"(mmm)
*this little red head:


Actually, there are several red animals that I would be honored to share a hue with. Red tailed foxes, Red Squirrels... we would all have red hair and big tails.

Also, I am of Irish descent ( mostly- you can't really see the French, German, Cherokee or Choctaw). Red hair seems appropriate, yes?
But there is this... a scary festival in the Netherlands... Red Head Day:


But brunette, brunette, brunette... I really have learned to love my own, god given color. It took me several years to appreciate it, but, okay. Let's get down to the meat of the matter.
I need change. I'm making it happen, but it is not happening fast enough. Hair - hair is something that can change a person's whole outlook. I know, it sounds silly, even narcissistic, but sometimes you need to see yourself in a different light to believe that change, no matter how long it takes, is happening. And if taking a small step, such as changing your hair color, is enough to really see that ball rolling, well then girl go for it!
So do I just be me and be patient, or do I start painting just to see the colors?

Jessica's Shiny New Year

I came back to Wisconsin sick. The message is clear. It's time to leave. I feel my inner spirit withering away, my drive dwindling, and my heart aching. My biggest fear? Becoming a zombie. Well, not literally - but I don't want to be that person who puts in the hours just to live for the weekend. Someone who turns off their brain five days a week just to make it through without pulling their hair out, screaming "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?????!!!!". I've noticed that I am someone who needs to keep moving, but at the same time, someone who needs to feel supported. Ugh, is that shameful? I look back on good things in my life and it always comes down to family, friends, and art. That last element has been missing from my life for so long, but it is still what I want, the only thing I've ever dreamed of. As I was discussing my life's goals with my father the other evening, I explained that no matter how lousy my drive is, I have to suck it up and go go go, because if I cut out my one dream, there will be an emptiness inside of me for the rest of my life.
But right now, I need to shake things up, period. I made a resolution last year that I would be brave and confront areas of my life that I usually ran away from. And that is going to be my first resolution again this year.

2009
1. Be Brave
2. Keep Moving

My others are more specific, perhaps not really worth posting. But they all go back to my post from a few months ago, about living on the edge.

How about....
3. Do the unexpected
4. Don't get hung up on other people's hang ups

I like that last one. It is so easy to live for other people; to live through other people. And then you find your decisions based on what other people are feeling, what other people are doing with their lives. Bah. Find the edge between considerate and stupid....

Then the usual:
5. Lose 10 pounds
6. Kick debt's ass

There really are more, but I'm going to put on The Simpsons and nod off to sleep.