I came back to Wisconsin sick. The message is clear. It's time to leave. I feel my inner spirit withering away, my drive dwindling, and my heart aching. My biggest fear? Becoming a zombie. Well, not literally - but I don't want to be that person who puts in the hours just to live for the weekend. Someone who turns off their brain five days a week just to make it through without pulling their hair out, screaming "WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?????!!!!". I've noticed that I am someone who needs to keep moving, but at the same time, someone who needs to feel supported. Ugh, is that shameful? I look back on good things in my life and it always comes down to family, friends, and art. That last element has been missing from my life for so long, but it is still what I want, the only thing I've ever dreamed of. As I was discussing my life's goals with my father the other evening, I explained that no matter how lousy my drive is, I have to suck it up and go go go, because if I cut out my one dream, there will be an emptiness inside of me for the rest of my life.
But right now, I need to shake things up, period. I made a resolution last year that I would be brave and confront areas of my life that I usually ran away from. And that is going to be my first resolution again this year.
1. Be Brave
2. Keep Moving
My others are more specific, perhaps not really worth posting. But they all go back to my post from a few months ago, about living on the edge.
3. Do the unexpected
4. Don't get hung up on other people's hang ups
I like that last one. It is so easy to live for other people; to live through other people. And then you find your decisions based on what other people are feeling, what other people are doing with their lives. Bah. Find the edge between considerate and stupid....
Then the usual:
5. Lose 10 pounds
6. Kick debt's ass
There really are more, but I'm going to put on The Simpsons and nod off to sleep.