I began to write another post, a more serious toned post about... ohhh... mental health... and being an artist and trying not to be a douchebag about it... and a whole heap of self internalized bull doo doo that I am sure will only bore people to tears and make my friends and acquaintances give me a serious case of side eye - however. I wrote said piece on wordpad, to prevent it from being lost like all my previous blogging efforts that began and ended life right on blogger, but by the hand of god (or the lack of hand of jess- the one that hits save) that post was also sent into the bowels of computer hell, never to be found again!
So I reckon this is a sign that I need to cool my melodrama for a minute, no matter how sincere it is, and post something on the more lighthearted side.
Fortunately, I have all of the web at my fingertips to give me suggestions, and I thought I might do a little sharing.
Now, there are several blogs that I am a fan of (many of which you can find at the top of my page under LOVE), but there is a whole genre of blogs that have been recently opened up to me.
Juvenile. Fiction. Blogs.
Now, I'm not talking about the sites dedicated to deciding which metaphysical creature you want to take away your innocence via your lady basement before you have to kill a bunch of your contemporaries in a post-apocalyptic arena while riding a dragon and chasing a tiny gold ball. I'm not even talking about fan fiction sites. Those are all far too contemporary.
Reach back, mid to late twenty-somethings. Reach back to your youth.
These sites wade through all the junk food "novels" you gobbled up in elementary and middle school and give you hilarious summaries of each book. You know, series like Fear Street, Babysitters Club, Nancy Drew, and of course, the giant incest party that was Flowers in the Attic and all the subsequent novels, just to name a few.
There were three that I came across today that I particularly enjoyed. I want you to know that I reacted appropriately as I read each summary (giggling and exclaiming "Oh MAN" loudly enough to scare my cat out of my lap) and my only hope is that you have the exact same reaction.
First is Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog.
It's about the Paddington Bear books.
Oh, jokes. Of course it is about our favorite "perfect size six" blond twins, Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield - one bitchy and vain, and one bitchy and a know it all - although I always sympathized with the vain twin, simply because she had the good fortune to share a first name with me.
With summaries that read:
Ellen shows up and yells at Ginny Lu to go away. Liz tells her to
leave Ginny Lu alone and stop being such a bitch. Not bloody likely.
Ginny Lu gives Liz a doll she whittled, and Mrs. Wakefield says it’s
“a lovely example of Appalachian folk art.” She’s an interior designer
so she knows about these things.
how could you not have a good time?
Next up are those super creepy horror novels that you passed around like candy with your friends until one day, someone asks, "Hey, you guys ever hear of this weird dude named Stephen King?". And then all your friends come back to school bragging about how their parents let them watch IT, but you haven't because you're too scared to even sit through an episode of The Real Ghostbusters... remember that? No? Well, anyway - here's a site loaded with very sound and logical round ups of all the Fear Street books, such as:
Janine walks over to Amanda and leads her to the locker room. Janine
says she's terrified and they really must have brought the Evil back
because the tops of heads aren't supposed to pop off and faces shouldn't
just crack open like that!
And last, but not least - and possibly my favorite of the book blogs: The icky incest and other family secrets parade that was dreamed up by issue-laden (I imagine) V.C. Andrews - Flowers In the Attic! Now, there are actually several books by her about families with questionable choices, and this blogger has gone to the trouble to not only let you know what happens in each book, but also vocalizes your WTF?? reaction in Every. Line.
...in the Attic: A VC Andrews Blog
aka: Trapped in the Attic
Plus, she includes pictures of Swamp Thing and her own horrified reaction- so this chick is all right in my book.
Oh, and there are instructional memes- in case the plot lines start sounding romantic instead of so fucked up you want to rip your own eyes out but you can't stop reading you can't! (that is actually my own assessment of those books, right there)
Happy reading, friends!