Merciful heavens. You know that time when everything you thought was so gets tossed to the wind and you end up questioning yourself, everything and everyone around you? Plus you get a sinus infection? Please!
While I am doped up, my head is extra loopy, so I'm taking measures to bring it back down to earth again.
note. Picture may or not be my own. Actually, it is not, but it is reminiscent of what I made this evening.
Measure two: A little reflection never hurts and always grounds floating emotions (confusion, frustration, nervousness, impatience).
A search for knitting patterns landed me on LiveJournal and my old posts. Well, yikes. But there is one post I desperately need to keep in my mental Rolodex of "Things To Keep Me From Flying Off The Handle When I Am Feeling Overwhelmed".
Here we go.(copy/pasted and unedited, for fuck's sake)
I found an old children's book given to me a few years ago by a girl that I didn't really care for. All she did was frustrate me. She grew up in Kenya with her parents who were missionaries, and she was studying to become a pediatrician. I took five minutes to read the entire book, including the inscription from her at the beginning " Dear Jessica, This book made me think of a conversation you, Maggie and I had. I think of this book now whenever I think of you (as well as some other good things)." Of course, its a christian themed fairytale with the message that it is not up to others to evaluate you, because you were created intentionally, without any mistakes...and to always remember that you are special regardless of what others think.
Okay, I'm a douchebag. I mean, this girl was alright. I just thought that maybe she was a demon in disguise because she was slow and overly cheery and made me work twice as hard to make up for the time she wasted looking out of windows and singing instead of doing her job. But all in all, she was a very nice girl. I think we've all known people, where there is really no good reason to dislike them, but you can't help it.
I know now that I allowed my personal frustration determine how I treated this chick half of the time, which was never downright mean - but certainly was not as nice as I should have been.
I do want to be nice to everyone, even the people who get on my last nerve... because it really isn't my place to judge a person's worth. If I expect people to accept me living on my own terms, then I should really be more accepting of others.
It just makes sense.
It also makes sense that I'm not going to let my little cynic make the last judgment on things. Oh for sure, I think you should always acknowledge him and respect his opinion, because a lot of times he keeps you grounded and reminds you to use your common sense, but if I'm going to live without fear of doing the wrong thing, then I need to make sure that he knows his place.
I just want to have balance in my life. Good, bad, stupid, smart, pretty, ugly, wrong, right, light, dark... I want all of that. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly apologizing. I want to feel worthy of all of these things. And I think the way to do that is to realize that everyone is worthy, everyone is deserving.
Its okay to look "ridiculous". What is that anyway? There's no way to play it safe. Not at all. There will always be someone who looks at you and judges.
My thing is...that's okay. My life is what its supposed to be. And it always will be, no matter what decisions I make. Things aren't going to become alright as soon I drop those last ten pounds or pay off my debt or even when I have health insurance through the union. If I'm constantly waiting for that last thing to fall into place before I'm happy with myself, then I will do nothing but beat myself down....
I realize this sound like some crazy cult mantra "love yourself, you are worthy, burn down town hall". No no. I mean it all. I'm trying to keep moving, to not let myself get stuck in a funk, and I think that comes with making peace with the person I am today, not the person I will become.
Now, if a week from now, there is a totally psychotic post, it probably means that I've ran out of the magic E (that's what I've named my effexor. catchy, huh? it sounds totally street). However, I'm working on that. There's nothing I like less than an anxiety attack, or being off the E, simply because you become sick when you miss doses. If that sounds scary, well girl. Let me tell you. It is. I'm not fond of being "dependent" on it, but on the plus side, it really does work quite well most of the time. And guess what?! I accept that part of myself too.
I'm a pretty peaceful girl. My demands aren't that great. I just want art in my life. I just want to act and love my family and friends and to always keep my mind and my heart open.
Follow up by some quality netflix time and- regardless of whether you get cast or not, whether your bills get paid or not, whether your nose is stuffy and your head is swimming, whether you sass and cut those who deserve it (and some who don't)- you, Lady, you are gonna be all right.