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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I just wanna know how it gets made!!

Another successful NYC trip. I mean, having a cute boy escort you around helps and all, but it sure was nice to get to see my cousin and some old friends. And. And. Wait for it. Rob Riggle. At Asscat! (the free improv show at the UCB theatre) Oh so good. Soooo Goood! Also Sanz and Levine and gangly boy from In the Loop showed up, but man, Riggle... I might have wet myself, just a little, when they announced his name. And now, I know I simply must get back into improv somehow. With an improv teacher for a mommy, that shouldn't be so hard, yes? But lorrrrrd chile', I am RuSty! I would need some industrial strength classes to get me back on track.
Moving along. Let's get to the real reason why I am posting. The flight back. I had an experience that led me to create a list of rules for guys who hope to pick up chicks on a plane.
1. Introducing yourself is nice.
2. Saying you remember a girl's face from the flight to NYC is... nice.
3. If she tells you right off the bat that she was visiting her boyfriend, back off.
4. Don't invite her to sit across from you and talk.
5. If you insist on pursuing such a lady, don't ask her questions like
a. do you really love your boyfriend?
b. do you say it?
c. how many times do you say I love you?
d. how many times have you been in love before?
e. do you think he's really into you?
6. If she answers in a manner that suggests she and her partner have a strong relationship, abort mission.
7. Do not:
-Show her the video of your arm being sliced up with a scalpel, followed by having art burnt into it for two hours. She is not impressed that you meditated your way through the pain of having someone cut off a layer of flesh. All she sees is a bloody, skinless arm. For two hours.
-Ask her to scoot over, turn off the overhead light and sit unnecessarily close to her. Especially when you smell like the pail we used to mop the bathroom at my old job.
-Excuse yourself to go to the restroom a million times, leaving her with aforementioned video, then come back with stories like the time you walked in on a girl masturbating in an airplane bathroom.
-Especially do not follow that story up with a suggestive look.
8. If you have not received the desired response by now- and lets face it buster, your moves are about as smooth as a cactus's taint- I would strongly suggest you move along.
9. Do not, as a last ditch attempt, suggest that the two of you go to the back of the plane to watch a movie. She will indeed be forced to shove you out of the way, run to the front of the plane, exclaiming "I feel turbulence! Gotta get back to our seats! Is the plane slowing down??"

I really hope that helps keep any of you fellas from making such grave mistakes as this poor young man did. I was a bit scarred. I mean, not as badly as this guy's arm, but still...

4 comments:

joyful girl said...

VOM-it.

Adam said...

One spring afternoon (April 23rd, if that helps you), a man witnesses a man dressed in a decent suit - not terribly expensive, but nice for the park...they were in a park. Anyway, the man notices this guy in the suit whispering to a number of young ladies, cupping his hand to their ear so that the man (or you or I) couldn't hear what he was saying (don't worry, we'll find out). After each whispered message, the woman turns and slaps the hell out of him, walks away, and goes back to their very full life, because they're not just joke fodder. So, after witnessing this repeated act for awhile, the first man approaches the second man and asks in a nice, non-threatening way what the heck he is whispering to all of these women. "I ask them to have sex with me." A bit of spittle flies from his mouth on the "th" sound in "with" - not important. "Wow," the first man says, with a lift of both of his eyebrows...no, wait - just one. Yeah, one eyebrow, but not in a suggestive way. Not at all. "Wow. You must get slapped a lot." "Yeah," the second guy replies while eyeing another young lady approaching him and knocking a little dust off his decent suit, "but I get a lot of ass too!"

You see, what I'm saying is that romance (for many) is a numbers game.

Matilde Majerik said...

wow. what an idiot. i hope it is a meaninful silver lining for you that reading this made me laugh aloud many times. and duh, jessica, you are the improv queern. queerrrn! these past couple of weeks have been rough in a way too much work sort of way. i love you and am thinking of you and am, simulataneously, incredibly stressed out. going to take a bath. more soon. love. jm

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