The Year in Yikes

Dear Jessbecause,

What a little year you had for yourself, fancypants! You filled it with unemployment, agoraphobia, friendship/relationship crippling depression, a diabetic kitty, the loss of a family dog, the gaining of an extra 15 pounds to add to the 10 you gained in 2010, constant exhaustion and illness, and now a possible tumor in the old noggin (we'll know more after the ct scan on the 9th -thanks elevated prolactin!)...

But hold up there, Sullen Susan. You did have quite a few tech/ensemble/teaching gigs and voice over work; you got to go on tour with a great group of actors for three months, you realized that you can actually count on your special someone to be more than a good laugh and sweet piece of meat excellent hand holder (never know if his folks are reading... I hope for his sake, and mine, that they never feel compelled to check out the blog - not that I am ever anything but a lady in all I say and do), you met some wonderful people, learned to crochet, went on a top notch camping trip without getting sunburned and/or drowning in your own tent, and you're closing out the year doing a great production portraying, once again, a singing and dancing whore sample provider.

So while I may not exactly be mourning the loss of 2011, it will be a little bittersweet to end the year of seemingly never-ending trial. The great gift of the year was to learn how to trust and to believe that people can be counted on to do more than scoot when the going gets rough.

Those crazy Mayans may have predicted doom and gloom for 2012, but the Druids - who's word I'm inclined to take purely based on the fact that they have the balls to follow a great goddess, or at least that is my understanding from reading The Mists of Avalon 6 years ago - have claimed that not only will 2012 be just fine, it will be straight up Bitchin'.

Rock solid, Druids! Let's get this new year started then! Here are my suggestions as to how you can fully enhance my next 12 months that your prediction so wisely says will be so mind melting, car window punching, dancing on rooftops and Muppet style exploding-ly awesome.

1. No more unemployment. Yes, I am mostly speaking for myself - but lets cut the rest of the U.S of A a break and knock down that unemployment rate. It's making people cranky and a little too ready to believe whatever fear based "news" is thrown their way.

2. Tell those extra pounds that have overstayed their welcome in spite of all my hints and constant watch tapping just where they can get off - and then throw them and their hat right out the back door ( a purely figurative back door- although I understand the fat has to get out somehow).

3. Theatre/film/voice over work only please. Good theatre/film/voice over work only please - I've done my 9 to 5 time and even Dolly Parton agrees that being a professional door mat is not a preferable way to make a living.

4. No tumors. Self explanatory. Good health physically and mentally, please.

5. Make sure I stay on my best behavior this year - no self sabotaging or Bridget Jones-ing it or messing up the good things I managed to keep going in 2011.

6. Good luck and more good luck, even if that means I'll have black eyed peas and greens coming out of my ears New Years day.

7. Last one, because we don't to ask too much of the year - please make me the best me I can be. No that sounds corny. Make me better than I or anyone else could have ever imagined. I would like to feel like I am fulfilling some kind of purpose, not just farting around from gig to sad little paycheck to gig.

No resolutions this year, Jessbecause, just requests to be sent up into the universe and beyond. I think the new year can handle it - plus it will be a little nice to take the pressure off of myself this year to follow through with promises that I can't possibly have total control over. Girl, whether you deserve a break or not - I'm a little conflicted over the whole notion of "deserving" things - I sure hope you get one!

Happy New Year and may good luck and blessings rain down upon your anxious little head.

Love,

Jessbecause

As for everyone else: I hope you all have an outstanding year ahead of you. I raise the whole damn bottle to you!

Jessbecause of 6 years ago wishes you the best freakin year ever- right before she passes out on the beach with a sparkler in her hand.

Please excuse my busy hands

Christmas is for lovers.

Family?

Three dollar wine from Whole Foods?

Friends - I'll tell you what Christmas is for.

Crafts.

My apartment is deceptively crafty, in the sense that every time I've gone through a brief phase of fancying myself as a painter/knitter/collage artist- some new piece of crap I threw together gets stuck on my wall and lives there forever.

Sue me. The dollar section at Target is full of paper goods that ignite a young(ish) girl's imagination, and Joanne's and Michael's stay in a constant state of 60% off! What am I supposed to do, ignore that?

This Christmas I have picked back up a skill that was taught to me last year: knitting. I don't know why my knitting dropped off in the summer time. Perhaps my hands freaked out handling all that bulky yarn in 90 degree heat.


I also picked up a little "do it yourself" stocking kit for around 2 bucks and it has resulted in felted magic. Okay, yes, all I had to do was join the pieces together and sew on the little snowflakes, but I added a little special touch on the back- no pattern required, thank you very much!

Complete with balls.

Secret hearts are a perfect touch. Even if they did take me over an hour to make.

And finally, I have learned - via the interwebs and youtubes -  how to crochet. Before she slid into dementia and eventually Alzheimer's, my grandmother was quite gifted at crocheting. Every Christmas she made delicate little snowflakes for her church and her friends and family.

One night after rehearsal I sat down in front of the computer and youtubed "crochet snowflake". And five hours later - I had made my first snowflake! Granted, it doesn't even compare to my Mimi's, and granted, there is not a snowflake on god's earth that looks like mine, but I was still proud of my over sized, red floppy flake.


 

Snowflake ornaments drying

I then tried it again and attempted to keep them ornament size. After I made each one, I soaked it in a mixture of glue, water and, of course, glitter, and left them out to dry, and holy glass balls! It worked! I have now developed a very minor skill (to be improved upon). Only through the magic of Christmas could this have been achieved, folks. What new skill(s) did you pick up this holiday season?

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas (with sad movies)

The apartment has exploded with Christmas. But not in the, "Oh, you just caught me lounging around in my catalogue worthy living room, with my designer garland draped ever-so-elegantly over my mantle, and tiny little polar bear cubs playing in my winter wonderland atrium in the background". No, it is more like Target and the Dollar Store had an ugly half-priced holiday craft baby, and is complimented by the afterbirth of half full plastic bins overflowing with old cards and hand me down ornaments.

Among the piles of seasonal memorabilia I dug up were all of my Christmas movies and number of childhood favorites. On VHS, friends! No dvd Charlie Brown for me! As I was going through the list of films I found, I was reminded of one of the few clouds that hangs over my current relationship.

Me: Hey! The Never Ending Story!
The BF: Ugh, I hate that movie.
Me: Why?
The BF: It's too sad. That poor horse.
Me: Well, he comes back in the end.
The BF: I don't care.
Me: Oooh, here's Prancer.
The BF: Too sad.
Me: Willow?
The BF: Pffft.
Me: Hook?
The BF: Too sad.
Me: Ugh, Annie.
The BF: I love that movie!

 I began to realize something. Gremlins, Ghost Busters, The Monster Squad, The Princess Bride, Who Framed Roger Rabbit - are, obviously, all awesome movies, but are also the only ones welcome for display on our Target bookcase. The "Too Sad" films stay stuck in storage.

Um. Why?

I've accepted that the Bf has a strong aversion to movies that are too sad. For example, he has vowed to never watch  Fried Green Tomatoes ever again. Not because of it's supposed affiliation with other popular "chick flicks", but because he isn't emotionally strong enough to handle the end of Idgie and Ruth's friendship. (By the by, according to him, FGT is one of the best  fims ever on the subject of friendship. Period. But still - too. sad.)

So why am I not driven away by these kind of movies? Surely not because of my lady emotions and a need for a good lady cry every now and then. No, I genuinely enjoy them. I am not saddened by them. Frankly, why should I be? Is it so awful that a children's fantasy would be honest about the fact that, even in the prime of your carefree youth, life still blows?

In fact, life, in it's own way, is even worse when you're a kid. There is a pretty harsh introduction to the reality of man, there is the discovery of death and how that sucks balls, children start develop their own crappy prejudices, and then, worst of all, we abruptly realize there is no real magic on earth; that everything you thought just happened by it's own mystical accord, has an explanation- and often not a good one.

Get it together, you pansy ass pony!

Like so many kids, I was forced to grow up too fast. There were several instances in my teens where the loss of my childhood hit me over the head so hard that I would burst into tears. Yes, I was being inducted into the world of antidepressants due to my artsy fartsy emotions, but it still really hurt to realize: My childhood was over. I'd never get a second chance to try and make it as ideal as so many movies suggested it should be.

I mean, even films that touched upon more painful realities had a tendency to gloss them over and keep the tone light, funny and exciting. But even in the most ideal homes, there is a constant underlying sadness and/or frustration in every child's life. That's fine. That "sadness" is often what pushes us to find happiness and to develop the more generous, the more empathetic parts of our nature.

Alright, yes- there is a somber note to the storage films. There are upsetting realities and even some devastating scenes. But, like Atreyu's horse, Artax, if you let the "Swamps of Sadness" overpower you, you will drown in them. As children, most of us learn to not only accept that there is sadness, but to cultivate an ability to not let it ruin our perception of reality. Sadness and magic, for a brief moment, find a way to co-exist.

That is why my Christmas movie recommendation for this year is the movie Prancer. Yes, you better watch all of my other faves, Home Alone, Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation and of course, Muppet Christmas Carol, but I say strap on an emotionally mature pair and settle down for some quality time with a magical reindeer and your 2nd favorite bouncer, Sam Elliott (1st favorite being Patrick Swayze, duh!).

In my humble opinion, the film pretty perfectly captures the problem with our idea of childhood. Spoilers ahead, for those who haven't yet seen the movie. There is one scene in particular, where the main character, a girl named Jessica (a rockin' name for a main character, if I do say so myself) has climbed on top of a tall cage in the middle of a snowstorm to release the reindeer she believes to be Prancer, who she is convinced will fly out as soon as she pries open the top of the pen. In one heartbreaking moment, you see all of her dreams and beliefs cruelly dashed as her magical friend fails to perform. As she is trying to climb back down, she slips and falls- hitting her head and blacking out.

When she comes to, she is in her bedroom. Her father, who she has been at odds with ever since the death of her mother and who has been discussing sending her off to live with her aunt, has bought the reindeer and plans to take her out to the woods so they can release him, allowing him to return to the North Pole. However, little Jessica, who survived the death of her mother, who has stomached the emotional absence of her father, has finally had bitterness of reality hit her over the head... so to speak. There is no magic. The reindeer is just a reindeer. In the following scene, her father reads to her a selection from the famous letter, Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus, and admits he can't promise that things are going to always be okay. But he loves her and needs her home with him.

It's a beautiful scene, wrapped in sentimentality as it is. It is where we realize that even though life is hard and  the fairy tales we hear as children aren't real, there is still a deeper and more mysterious and beautiful magic out there- the magic of love, friendship, imagination and everything unseen, but as real and common as breathing.




So you see, friends! No need to fear the "sad fantasy movies". If anything, they are quite uplifting. They show us what wonderful and resilient creatures we are in our youth.  If you saw the movie Finding Neverland, there is another great scene where, in spite of grief, or perhaps because of it- the main character is able to see the "magical world" that adults aren't able to see. It is one of the amazing qualities we possess as children - our ability to see the real world, and the ethereal one. Yes, sadness exists, even when you're an innocent. But so does magic- whether it's the magic of a flying reindeer, a book that transports you to a alternate world, a gang of monsters that only you and your friends can defeat, or the magic of life itself.