I am the Log, I am the Ravine. I have an Announcement.

Friends, Bloggers, Wine Drenched Housewives, Insomniacs, Online Predators...

Welcome.

I have found a new way to make my blog a teensy bit more self indulgent fun and interactive and it is with a little hesitation great pride I present to you

LIVE!

24/7 Live Streaming of special programs including: 

music videos, random clips, movies, live webcasts and more!!

Now you can watch whatever is currently catching my fancy these days by simply clicking on the newest tab located at the top of the page. It is like regular tv, but a little less organized. And less Jersey Shore. I am still trying to work out all the kinks and create a steady stream of entertainment that is actually, you know, entertaining and not just repetitive.

Currently I have put together a mix of music videos to fill your nights (entitled "Midnight Mix"- I know, the cleverness), I have picked out your first movie of the week (in the "Masterful Movies" series, if you will) and I've mod podged a random assortment of clips to play during the day. Yes, more or less, you are signing onto my ADD when you check out the channel, but don't let that scare you off! Just think, this may be one of the few places where you can see Mr Show clips lumped in with Arthur the Anteater clips.

The schedule will change weekly, so be sure to check back for any changes or upcoming special events! As of right now, it is:

On Memorial Day we'll be watching the worst movie you ever loved, Hail to the Chimp! I mean, Troop Beverly Hills! Will the poor little rich girls beat those middle class bitches, The Red Feathers? Will Shelley Long learn to do something other than shop in order to win back her asshole husband, republican Craig T Nelson? Will Jenny Lewis show signs of being moody, introspective and ironic enough to become the front woman of her own band 15 years later? Will we ever learn what kind of "thrill" Beverly Hills actually is? And most importantly, will they sell all those fucking cookies??

Kids. This is the latest in a set of experiments in what might make this blog more enjoyable. We'll see how successful it is and if not, we'll move onto something else! If you have suggestions of things you'd like to see more or less of, let me know. Until then, grab your drink of choice and keep those peepers locked onto JessBecause LIVE!

I just had an internal shudder when I imagined reading that last sentence aloud. If anyone knows how to promote one's self without being a total cornball, please let me in on the secret. Please.

It's fancy jam time

Through the natural order of things, tonight turned into an Albert Brooks double feature night. Naturally. There may have been some whiskey and peanut butter pie (homemade, I'll tell you what!) involved.

Now, I'm no Albert Brooks expert. In fact, for years I only knew him as the guy who repeatedly voiced some of the best characters on The Simpsons - Hank Scorpio, anyone? From one of the best episodes ever, You Only Move Twice ? And from season 8, no less (for those of you who stubbornly hold to the notion that the show lost its steam after season 7...Oh you foolish fools).

Over the past few years I have been trying to add to my A Brooks movie knowledge. I had seen clips of his old standup, I had watched a few more films, although I still have yet to see Lost in America or Defending Your Life -ah the shame!- and I started to realize that indeed, I had seen him in a number of things and I had lumped him into a small hammock district of actors/writers whose work you see repeatedly without taking notice of their name.

That's a bold confession, and I actually feel better getting it off my chest. I was completely blind to weight, the distinction of comic, actor and writer,  and east coast-seizing supervillain : Mr Albert Brooks. Now, I suppose we could go through and list his faults as a writer;  It was pointed out to me that he really does create these superbly crafted scenes, but then he'll get lost in his own story and all of a sudden tack on an ending just to wrap things up. Okay, well, sure.

But man, when he gets something right, it is so so right. I can't truly pin it down what those things are- it is a lot of little things. And you can't argue with the little things, it's the little things that make up life. For example, tonight I watched two films of his that I'm sure are not the shining beacons of his career, but they were enjoyable nonetheless. He fairly consistently portrays this neurotic, nebbishy, somewhat sentimental guy that quite a lot of us can relate to (I'll be surprised if one day my tombstone doesn't simply read "Neurotic and sorta sentimental"), but his work is surprisingly daring and subtly bold... like a gentle enema or something (perhaps this is a failed analogy).

Okay, maybe "subtly bold" is a bit of a stretch for Mother, one of the movies I watched tonight. But  you will notice, my new best friend, it is good in the sense that it has a common theme fleshed out with talented actors and some excellent scene work. It is a bit of a time capsule, what with the picture phone and those nineties character actors; Rob Morrow is perfectly needy and whiny as the brother. And what has happened to this guy? I mean, I am assuming we all had a special relationship with Northern Exposure at some point in our lives, yes? Yes, and he was great on that.

Oh god, and it had a brief dinner scene with Lisa Kudrow, wasn't that fun? Back before we all realized she was kind of limited and we were all charmed by her? Oooh, I honestly can't see her without wanting stop whatever it is I'm watching and put in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion .


But I digress.Well, actually, there isn't much of a point to digress from- I just wanted to talk about watching Albert Brooks movies tonight. Stay with me, we'll go bowling, I'll get back on track. So moving on to the other one, Searching For Comedy in the Muslim World .

Talk about a movie that fell under the radar. And y'all, that is a pretty solid little film- again, a tacked on ending, but at least you have Penny Marshall in the beginning letting you know what to expect. If you get a chance to netflix it, I say go for it. Yes, it is another film where comics talk about comedy, and the idea is a little Curb Your Enthusiasm-esque (Brooks and others play elevated, or characterized versions "themselves") but it manages to take miscommunication, ego, and sense of humor (or lack thereof) and make it a universal thing, in art, religion and politics. It's a charmer. I mean, in what other movie are you going to see Al Jazeera try to commission Albert Brooks to star in a sitcom called That Darn Jew ?

It looks like the next Brooks hit on my list is going to be Lost in America . Tonight was a welcome distraction from the unwelcome news we've had lately. It is official- I am now the owner of a diabetic cat. And despite the dread that fills me as I begin to broach financing the constant attention and treatment this cat will need, I am grateful that it isn't a kidney problem. I've given him his first few injections without passing out and as the pile of syringes grows, I am filled with a sort of sick fantasy that people will see them and believe that my cat or myself are dangerous junkies and that we are to be treated with fearful respect.

I like being treated with respect, even if it is fear-based (Although, it would be preferable to not have to scare people into believing they can't walk all over all five feet of you. Yes, five feet.)

So. Anyway........Oh dear.

I am having my own Brooks moment where I realize I have no idea how to wrap this all up.

But truly, I've gotta go- somebody ate part of my lunch.





I should post a small addendum to say that if this seemed a little more wackadoodle than usual, it was because I was desperately trying to squeeze in all of my favorite Hank Scorpio quotes into one piece and it really didn't matter to me if they made sense within the context of a thought or if they ruined the entire structure of a sentence in fact I didn't even give you my coat!

(Can you pick out all those quotes?)

My cat and John Lithgow

I reckon we are continuing the possibly never ending list of "wants"-

Right now what I want the most is the health of my cat and myself, as we are both a little sassy and unwell, as this old photo from my Chicago days should prove.

Neither my cat nor myself are smokers. Anymore.

I also want peanut butter pie.


Yes, I have the personality of a bowl of black liquorice at the moment, so to make up for it- I am sharing funny things that are funny to tide me, and anyone who has wandered over here looking for a good time and instead found an anxious lady and her sick cat, over. Apologies.

If you don't watch the Colbert Report or like John Lithgow, I have nothing to offer you. If you like both, boy are you in for a treat. I like this because well, it's John Lithgow. And it reminds me that I actually did a scene study with him, even though I am certain I had a manic, fangirl "please think I'm talented" look on my face the entire time (long story- maybe next time). His talent is larger than he is, and that is one tall man.

Because I am having "photos as links" issues all of a sudden, here is the link to the awesome clip on Gawker.

Also, do you remember the "Radio Bart" Simpsons' episode? Oh you know, the one where he gets a microphone for his birthday, throws it down a well and pretends to be a little boy named Timmy trapped in the well until he himself gets trapped in the same well while trying to retrieve the mic (umm.... spoiler alert?). Well anywho, one of the best parts of the episode is the commercial for the mic, the Superstar Celebrity Microphone, which includes a guy driving by announcing "Hey good lookin! We'll be back to pick you up later!"



Well, here is the real commercial that it is based off of! Chuckles for days, I tells ya. (if you have seen the episode, that is)




You're all welcome. I will be back when I am full to bursting with good news.

With sass and love, Dobby the cat and Jessbecause

Yes, this is how I blog. I won't do it any other way.

Things I want, no, NEED and no one has thought to get me yet

Subtlety has never been my strong suit. Of course, I could just be sharing these with you so you'll have more insight into my tastes and desires and think:

"That is one awesome chick. Man, I'd like to make some time with her, based on her preferences in popular culture. Yeah."

Well, I'm not. I am just putting this out there so you'll know that, as a greedy and lazy person who doesn't like to spend money on herself unless it is for brunch or alcohol,  I want. These. Things.

Hello. It has been my favorite movie of the past five years. I haven't been so silent about it. It was my facebook picture for a good chunk of time. I made an old beau a grape soda pin modeled after the one in the film. I love this movie, just like everyone else. Why is the dvd not sitting in a place of honor in my apartment?

Obvious reasons. Funny girls like funny girls who are being successful because of their funny girl-ness. And I would carry it around just to read in public places- therefore producing the reaction I mentioned earlier.

I asked for this at Christmas. Fuck you, Santa. This is why I haven't been fulfilling the Craft section of my blog.


The first step in getting something is by announcing you want it. In fact...You know what? I officially proclaim this a month of  Getting Whatever the Hell You Want!

So.

What do you want that you haven't gotten yet?  Not like, "A meaningful job" or "To feel Happy" or "A special someone" or "The death my stupid bitch boss". I mean like, something I could go buy you right now at the Target. Although if you say "Love", I could probably find that there for you. They have everything.

In which I have three glasses of wine and become a little too judgemental

There are two embarrassing things that I do that, normally, I would look down on- but it is better that I come out and admit them right now. (I know, only two?)

Note: This is not me. In case you were wondering.

1. This past winter/spring, I read all the Sookie Stackhouse books, because I wanted a really trashy escape from reality. It gets worse. I stopped reading The Dark Tower series (I'm still on Wizard and Glass) to read a series about (puke) sexy vampires. Now, this feels like a special sort of betrayal, especially since we all know how Mr King feels about vampire series. Well obviously, The Dark Tower series, while still pulpy in its own wonderfully composed way, is the far superior set of books. But I chose the one that True Blood is based off of. Why? Not necessarily because I have some urge to get my undead freak on (in fact, not because of that at all- sorry vampire fans), but because this southern fantasy melodrama seemed to revel in its own trashiness and that tickled me. Plus the series required little use of my brain, which was already pretty drained dry from my mindless job that left me only able to make it through a few hours of rehearsal before going into a vegetative state. The Sookie Stackhouse series- good for people in comas and zombies!
Speaking of.
If there is anything more obnoxious than vampires, it is zombies. Almost. I mean, how hard is it to get rid of those guys- and by "those guys", I mean the fans. I am sure there is a special room in hell where all this undying vampire/zombie phenomena is being born, but it would appear I have officially forfeited my right to complain about it all the first time I decided to drink a bottle of wine and plow through the first book in the Sookie Stackhouse series.

.... I might still complain a little.

2. My roommate walked in on me doing something incredibly embarrassing a few weeks ago. Something that a person in their right mind only does in private, away from the judging eyes of society. And no matter how much I tried to explain that it was something that I only do occasionally, my roommate now thinks I am a big old Gleek.

Yes. I watched the Glee. More than once. Several times. Last season AND this one. I'm sorry. I feel that I owe it to the 16 year old musical theatre dork JessBecause, who would have adored the series because she didn't know any better, to at least give it a fair shot. And while there are a lot of problems with the show, what with the autotuning, the annoying as fuck themed shows, the celebrity guests who are obviously trying to prove they are down to earth singer/actresses (more on this later), and the horrifyingly inconsistent plot/character development- I think the major problem is the show's producer, Ryan Murphy. You might remember that he was also behind the other show that was born pole vaulting over the shark, Nip/Tuck. I can't say that I ever was into it, despite the presence of a baby with lobster hands at some point (so I'm told), but it was another trashy escapist melodrama. One that I heard went from good-bad, to just plain bad a few seasons in.

Glee seems to suffer most from a producer who can't decide whether he wants a show that is campy or preachy. It seems to me, JessBecause, armchair psychiatrist, that he wants the show to be silly, bitchy, tongue in cheek fun, but he also wants to work through his own high school hang ups, via "Kurt" (also known as Babygay Kurt and now Saint Kurt), who is also the only character who has really been allowed some progression, mostly so he can become the show's main star/martyr.

The show started with a bunch of stereotypes- the jock(s), the fat girl, the bitchy gay boy, the bitchy white girl, the bitchy cheerleader(s), the obnoxious mini-diva, the bad boy, the big black girl, the homophobes, the wheelchair kid- and threw them into a giant jukebox musical tv show...

Side note. If there is a room in hell for the zombie/vampire mania, then there is an entire floor for jukebox musicals. No foolin'. I cannot think of anything more lazy than- "Hey, let's build a flimsy plot around a bunch of popular songs! We know people already like the music, so that way there's less risk, AND less work for us! High fives and red bull all around, D-bags!"- but there it is, an insanely popular movement on broadway and now on tv.

Getting back to what I was saying.
.... Threw them into giant jukebox musical tv show and then came up with unbelievably ridiculous and surprisingly predictable story lines around each character. Apparently the word 'round town is that the show has lost some of it's believability in the 2nd season, to which I reply- did you see the 1st season? Fake pregnancy. Repeat. Fake. Pregnancy. Anyway, I have given the show chance after chance, and here is what I propose to make it watchable (at least to me). Drop everyone except Stupid Brittney, Bitchy/babygay Kurt (sorry Saint Kurt- I prefer a flawed character to a martyr), Sexygay Blaine, and Sexydancy... Asian guy? I dunno, they didn't give him a name until the second season (seriously). Oh, and leave Jane Lynch and Steven Tobolowsky.  Apologies to the rest of the cast.You have talent, but someone decided that you were stuck with crappy, inconsistent characters. Blame them. Anywho, Glee! Let's choose between campy musical comedy or campy musical melodrama. Ditch the themed shows, and if you must have special guests, then you are only allowed to bring true musical theatre stars. Kristen Chenoweth, Idina Menzel, Carol Burnett- those were fine. Gwyneth Paltrow- no and now I'm finally returning toa point  I wanted to make.
Now. No one is denying that Gwyneth Paltrow is a talented woman and a hard worker... but her presence on the show looked like nothing but a publicity stunt.
Publicist: "Ms Paltrow, between your website that tells people where to buy their silver spoons and your refusal to acknowledge that you were born with one in your mouth, what with your famous parents and your "Uncle Steven" (as in Steven Spielberg) giving you your first movie role, you need come off more approachable and down to earth."
Gwyneth: "Well, I can sing. You heard me with Huey Lewis a few years ago. Get me on that show with the cartoonish high school stereotypes singing top 40 hits."
Publicist: "Done! Plus we'll get you in a movie about country music. If anyone is down to earth and relatable, it is country music singers. Now that autotune is available, anything is possible!"
Okay Glee, granted-  you allowed one of your main characters, Quinn, to be played by a strikingly beautiful girl with a grating, whispery speaking voice and a reed thin singing voice that has been so blatantly auto-tuned, but that doesn't mean you have to bring in guest stars who, if they really wanted to sing, should stay in the back row of their church choir where they belong- not when you actually do have truly remarkable, natural singers on your show.

Ugh. What a hot mess. I feel guilty for not only recognizing the show's flaws, but also for being unable to move past them. But every few months, I keep going back because I grew up on musicals and I sincerely do like some of the talent on the show, and I really do keep hoping that the show will resolve it's issues and become more enjoyable.

Ridiculous? Us?

But honestly. Until they take my suggestions into consideration, which obviously they will!, I will just have to stick with silly, consistent musical comedy tv shows with original music.

Super Post

While perusing the inserts of the Sunday edition of our local newspaper, I came across an article entitled

THE BEST SUPERHERO MOVIES OF ALL TIME!! (and the worst)

Oh yes, please. I enjoy a good superhero flick, just as much as the next person.

The list went a little something like this

                             GOOD                                                   BAD 

                    A couple of Batman movies                   A bunch of girl-hero movies

                    A Spiderman movie

Bwaugh? What the hell? What the fuck? What the fucking fuck? Why I have never, in all my years, been so appalled! Why, we ladies have many awesome lady heroes with which films are based around! 

What about one of the best-est and bad ass-est of them all, The Bride? What about her? Although, it isn't really a superhero movie per se... more of a revenge flick... I guess this rule applies to all lady-sploitation flicks.

Not a lady hero? Really?

But please, there are a ton of great female superheroes in film, like... The X-men ladies! Yes, those gals are really something.... even if they are ultimately overshadowed by Wolverines meat chops (superhero side burns). Crap, I reckon that includes even the un-traditional, but super awesome  (but supporting) sci fi and fantasy lady heroes, like Hermoine Granger, and Ripley, who is overshadowed by the big bad creature.

Begging your pardon, but I'm all kinds of awesome.

But, behold! My brainy, bad-ass-ed-ness!

Ugh... well, we always have... Wonder Woman. There you go, Wonder Woman- a super heroine and an icon in her own right. Even though, she is sort of viewed as camp- and really not on the same level as old Batman or even Superman... Plus, she was on tv.

Why won't anyone take me seriously?

And Good gravy, and let's not even talk about the hoards of sexy but stupid super lady video game movies. Bad scripts, bad accents, bad movies. All of them: Choppy, ridiculous and obnoxious.

Crap.

All right Hollywood- there's gotta be one, just one, spandex-ed, ass kicking, less tongue in cheek, more good vs evil, big budget, classic, all around great movie HEROINE that isn't a supporting character with a film named after her and solely about her out there. Not one? Not one that isn't regulated to the exploited, revenge, action, camp or "worst movie ever" genre? I love my Batmans, but come on.

Apparently, I am not the only one who has been thinking about this lately. It is a problem, people. A problem that, yes, is a direct result of a larger problem in film- where women (and people of color) are being overshadowed and are not equally represented. I once had a fellow movie nerd state that 2010 was a great year for women in film, but a lousy year for film. It was such an off hand, unintentionally insulting comment, that I couldn't really respond properly, without it sounding like I was a humorless bitch. If it was such a lousy year for film, then, in fact, it was NOT a good year for women in film. If the films with awesome lady characters were just so unremarkable, well then, what the hell good does that do? Good roles do occasionally exist in not so good films, but Great roles in Great films should go hand in hand. If a role is truly awesome, it is because the story around it is awesome. Not to say that actors do not give great performances in lousy movies- that is an entirely different discussion.

The first thing I would like to see an amazing, well received, instant classic super heroine film. Not a tv show- the ladies have actually had some good representation on the small screen thanks to the aforementioned Wonder Woman and others like Buffy and... and... Alias? There's a following for that, right? Even if W.W. and the Buffy were mostly camp, they still were tv super-lady icons with their own (major) tv shows. We just need one, just ONE on film. 

Just one, people.

Self help, self criticism and how I'll probably forget about it

Holy shit. What a week. Royal weddings, tornadoes, and that little news story on the 1st- I mean, really.
What. A. Week.
If your head feels like a spinning top right now, then you have my sympathy and my promise that, other than the previous statement, I will not talk about any of those things in this post. Deep breath.... and release.