Tuesday, April 12, 2011

In which I shall ram a half dozen, half formulated posts all into one

I feel pressure to post. Pressure, not because I don't want to post, but pressure because it is taking a certain amount of focus that I'm not sure I can spare at the moment.
To quickly catch you up, in the past two weeks I have

1. Moved into a new apartment. It is swell, but it is also a living exhibit of procrastination. Boxes everywhere.
2. Jumped into a production of Amadeus. I received a fb message from a friend who is directing the show and was in need of some ensemble ladies. She then flashed a dollar sign at me and 14 hours later I am bringing it to the role of a sexually neglected wife, with no lines. For $$$ (hurray). 
3. In a recent trend of hiring JessBecause  after a long dry spell, I also landed some voice over work, this time for McDonald's. Specifically, for their training video. And now I am wondering how many of McDonald's new employees will be trapped in a manager's closet  office McNapping or playing on their phones while ignoring my chipper voice for thirty minutes.
4. It's wedding time. I am, once again, a bridesmaid*, which is both an honor and a bitch. It is an honor, because you have been chosen among your friend's friends to have an active role in their big day. It is a bitch because the whole wedding business is a racket, where they overcharge you for dresses  that normally would be half price in the prom section of any department store, until some genius decided to tack on the title of "bridesmaid dress" and stick it on a wedding site, thereby  doubling the cost. Not only that, you've ordered a size larger than you actually are, which is an unfortunate and cruel rule of wedding dress shopping, but you still end up with a gown that, in normal land, would be a size 2 in the hips and a size 10 in the bust. Then you have to have to take it to be altered, which is even more money. And this is before you even begin to think about shoes, presents, and parties. But in the long run, you feel guilty for grumbling, because god only knows how much your friends, the one's who are actually getting married, are being set back by the whole ordeal- so you must try and become a ray of sunshine in a girdle and push up bra.
I honestly believe the only reason anyone puts themselves through this is for the wedding cake. I know it's why I'm doing it.... and of course because I want to be a part of my friend's special day.

5. I am still sugar free. But a tiny confession. I have discovered the beauty of Hansen's Diet Root Beer, made with splenda, not aspartame (Aspartame! Aspartame!! I'll curse that word til the day I die!), and my fucking goodness, is it delicious. I sent Mike out to pick one up for me at the Western the other night and as soon as he came home, I dove right into my guilt free soda... except that it wasn't that innocent. About halfway through, I took a second to look at the can to discover that it was, indeed, Hansen's Regular Root Beer, not diet, sweetened with cane sugar. Perhaps it's the combined stress of money, moving and weddings, but told Mike not to worry about it, then proceeded to find a corner of the apartment where I could have a mini breakdown. I was disappointed in myself, and disappointed in Hansen's, for creating a taste that was now going to be hard to go back from.

Real sugar, baby. Nothing compares.

So that's that. Let's move on to some other things that have nothing to do with anything, shall we?

Last night, I slipped further into domesticity and I tried my hand at making black bean burgers from scratch. They actually didn't turn out half bad.
I couldn't begin to tell you what I did, as it was a lot of knocking things out of the cupboard and into a mixing bowl, but I can tell you that it involved 2 cans of black beans (rinsed, drained, dried and mashed), a can of green chiles (drained as well), a mix of brown and mexican rice, cumin, garlic salt, paprika, and hot sauce, with mashed avocado, lettuce, tomato and swiss cheese to top it all off. I even have four patties left over sitting in my freezer.
And yes, I wore an apron the whole time.
Who the hell am I?

Oh hey, girls. Were you wondering where all of your old Sweet Valley and Babysitter's Club books went?

           HOLY  SHIT

I found them in the intermediate section of a thrift and surplus bookstore in Hoover! If you want a crack at them, good luck beating me to it, as I intend to relive my childhood this summer in the trashiest way possible- by the pool with a pall mall in one hand, a natty light in the other and a stack of books intended for 9 year olds.**

On that note, I'm gonna duck out and try to be productive. I should add that I've decided that Lent was only meant to last 40 days, and not until Easter this year; So on midnight, right after the wedding, I will have my face buried in a piece of take home wedding cake and be hooked up to a wine IV. Pictures of me in a sugar coma and bridesmaid dress to follow.

*When I say once again, it is not because I have disappointment in always being the bridesmaid, never the bride. I only had wedding dreams once before, and they were short lived and quickly killed off before they could take me down. Truthfully, I probably only wanted an excuse to use this wedding topper.

**Okay, I may not follow through with this plan, but in my head- it sounds delightful. I still have fantasies of filling my summer with trashy lady drinks and books and pools.


Jeanmarie Collins said...

You can not get married till you are in your 30's and I can pay for it.
Stop using the "F' word and the "s" word. Who is your mother? DO not do as she as she say.
You have impressively fought the no sugar battle. It think our Lord would agree, so, relax about the root beer mistake. Poor little Mike, he's just a boy!
I hope I am there to see AMADEUS. I will ignore your description of the character.
I think you are faboo!

Jessica said...

Trust me- the desire to be married has been completely beaten out of me. And I will try to stop saying Fiducial and Sweltry so much.