Super Secret November Challenge Blog Post #22

Lessons I have learned from my less than successful attempt at a straight month of blogging.

1. I can't do it. 

A. My brain shuts down for a few hours around four to six, and then lays in bed wondering how it can get out of getting back up. 

B. My brain shuts down at the first sign on undesirable stress. 

C. That includes stress that I am unprepared to deal with: stress that is overwhelming in a non fun way, stress induced by a form of self promotion, my number one weakness, and angry food stress (brought on by normal stress).

2. Actually I can do it. 

A. After a review of my previous posts, I had deduced that I have managed to do this on a semi regularly basis in the past.

B. My mind just needs to be in the right place.

C. But sometimes it doesn't, and that works out too. 

3. I want to try this again. When I am not mentally flagging 20 hours out of every day. 

4. I'm not sure when that will be. Post honeymoon? 

5. I miss being more artsy and just a tad less fartsy.

6. Okay, equal amounts artsy and fartsy. 

Tomorrow is my last chance to really do this thing, and I'm all outta gum and I have the whole day. You hear that, interweb? The Whole. Day. Which I was planning on cleaning and setting up Christmas decorations, but I don't really feel like doing that either.*

Here's a random thought to tide us over. Why oh why did Great Britain in the early 00's have a mini love affair with hating on the smaller side of average size women? Seriously, take a peek at Love Actually and Bridget Jones Diary, and look at the tiny ladies they called whales, and then look at how they portrayed women who were actually overweight. 

Clearly displaying the carcass of the box of doughnuts she must have just eaten. Tubby.

Yeah, but what you don't see is the giant bunny prints her fat feet have imprinted on the ground beneath her.

No wonder there was an eating disorder club at my school. Reason for this average phobia? Clearly England wanted to reclaim the country by starving out America's women. Nice try, UK. Nice try. 

*This is proof of my exhaustion. Never have I ever been too depleted of energy to break out the lights and 30 year old stockings. 

Blog Share

I began to write another post, a more serious toned post about... ohhh... mental health... and being an artist and trying not to be a douchebag about it... and a whole heap of self internalized bull doo doo that I am sure will only bore people to tears and make my friends and acquaintances give me a serious case of side eye - however. I wrote said piece on wordpad, to prevent it from being lost like all my previous blogging efforts that began and ended life right on blogger, but by the hand of god (or the lack of hand of jess- the one that hits save) that post was also sent into the bowels of computer hell, never to be found again!

So I reckon this is a sign that I need to cool my melodrama for a minute, no matter how sincere it is, and post something on the more lighthearted side.

Fortunately, I have all of the web at my fingertips to give me suggestions, and I thought I might do a little sharing.

Now, there are several blogs that I am a fan of (many of which you can find at the top of my page under LOVE), but there is a whole genre of blogs that have been recently opened up to me.

Juvenile. Fiction. Blogs.

Now, I'm not talking about the sites dedicated to deciding which metaphysical creature you want to take away your innocence via your lady basement before you have to kill a bunch of your contemporaries in a post-apocalyptic arena while riding a dragon and chasing a tiny gold ball. I'm not even talking about fan fiction sites. Those are all far too contemporary.

Reach back, mid to late twenty-somethings. Reach back to your youth.

These sites wade through all the junk food "novels" you gobbled up in elementary and middle school and give you hilarious summaries of each book. You know, series like Fear Street, Babysitters Club, Nancy Drew, and of course, the giant incest party that was Flowers in the Attic and all the subsequent novels, just to name a few.

There were three that I came across today that I particularly enjoyed. I want you to know that I reacted appropriately as I read each summary (giggling and exclaiming "Oh MAN" loudly enough to scare my cat out of my lap) and my only hope is that you have the exact same reaction.

First is Shannon's Sweet Valley High Blog.

It's about the Paddington Bear books.

Oh, jokes. Of course it is about our favorite "perfect size six" blond twins, Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield - one bitchy and vain, and one bitchy and a know it all - although I always sympathized with the vain twin, simply because she had the good fortune to share a first name with me.

With summaries that read:

Ellen shows up and yells at Ginny Lu to go away. Liz tells her to leave Ginny Lu alone and stop being such a bitch. Not bloody likely. Ginny Lu gives Liz a doll she whittled, and Mrs. Wakefield says it’s “a lovely example of Appalachian folk art.” She’s an interior designer so she knows about these things.

how could you not have a good time?


Next up are those super creepy horror novels that you passed around like candy with your friends until one day, someone asks, "Hey, you guys ever hear of this weird dude named Stephen King?". And then all your friends come back to school bragging about how their parents let them watch IT, but you haven't because you're too scared to even sit through an episode of The Real Ghostbusters... remember that? No? Well, anyway - here's a site loaded with very sound and logical round ups of all the Fear Street books, such as:

Janine walks over to Amanda and leads her to the locker room. Janine says she's terrified and they really must have brought the Evil back because the tops of heads aren't supposed to pop off and faces shouldn't just crack open like that! 


 
FEAR STREET








And last, but not least - and possibly my favorite of the book blogs: The icky incest and other family secrets parade that was dreamed up by issue-laden (I imagine) V.C. Andrews - Flowers In the Attic! Now, there are actually several books by her about families with questionable choices, and this blogger has gone to the trouble to not only let you know what happens in each book, but also vocalizes your WTF?? reaction in Every. Line.


...in the Attic: A VC Andrews Blog
aka: Trapped in the Attic

Plus, she includes pictures of Swamp Thing and her own horrified reaction- so this chick is all right in my book.

Oh, and there are instructional memes- in case the plot lines start sounding romantic instead of so fucked up you want to rip your own eyes out but you can't stop reading you can't! (that is actually my own assessment of those books, right there)

Happy reading, friends!

Post number 4

Let me just get this straight.

Blogger, we're on thin ice. You have lost the past three posts I have tried to post. And always right at the end. Very tricky. Very tricky indeed.

Yes, I have been super secretly boning up (ha, boning) on css and html for the past week. And granted, I still don't understand a lick of it. But there is no need to shut me out just because I experimented a little on you. Forgive me for thinking our relationship needed a shot in the ass of excitement.

Look, I don't know what your issue is, but you need to pull that giant stick out of your information superhighway.

At least I got a new word out of the experience.

 

"Hangry" indeed. It took two bowls of cereal and a strawberry soda to cool me off.

 I'm gonna go finish up The Dark Tower. You stay here. Think about what you've done.